Starchy comfort-food consumption is at an all-time high as Americans compulsively eat away the terrror of the Current Situation.

Gretchen Stagg, a 31-year-old single mother from Mill Valley, says that since the attack, she is suddenly deluged with invitations to eat. “Dinner parties, hot apple cider parties, hot chocolate and cookie parties–way more than normal,” she said. “My daughter’s godmother came over and picked her up this evening. They’re over at her house baking a cake.”

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